My path was full of signs that I could no longer ignore.
This blog is for people who are interested in living their best life, but need a little support in pursuing it. It is my belief that the anxiety I suffered from for many years was the result of an inner conflict, one of which I was confused about, and didn't know how to process and work through, which was also preventing me from living in alignment with my true purpose.
I'll reference the theme from The Matrix Movie in this post because like Neo, I was living a double life. And living with two identities was, at its core, fueling my anxiety.
On the one hand, I was doing all the things I was supposed to be doing. Good job, great attendance, hard worker, fun to be around, people pleaser, and so on. People complimented me often for my positive attitude, work ethic, and determination. I felt like I was doing good in the eyes of the world.
On the other, I had a deep yearning to live a different life, one of which I didn't know how to build, or create, or establish. I wanted to write a book, write more music, clean up my lifestyle, give up drinking, and most of all, ditch this damn anxiety. I could identify what I didn't want and what I didn't like, but I was confused about what it is that I do want. How can I tell and how will I know?
As I wrote about in my book, "Hollow, How a Young Man Turned Childhood Trauma into Music", I experienced a profound miracle when I was in my twenties where The Bible blew open to a specific page and I knew that it was speaking directly to me. Now I know what you are thinking, "anyone could interpret any page in the Bible as speaking directly to them." But this was different. It was a student Bible which had specific examples and interpretations of specific passages that newcomers could use and apply to their own life. For me, it was a passage about destiny and fate, and not wanting to be stuck in a dead end rut, which I desperately needed to hear at that specific time and that very moment. When I saw the book fly open to that page, I almost lost my breath. *Full details in my book, by the way.
Let's stop for a second and address your doubt. Do you think for a second that I could make that story up? If you know me, you know I wouldn't do that. Maybe you think I was crazy or in an altered state of mind. If you know me, I could see why you would think that, lol! But I wasn't, and as a matter of fact I was walking around campus by myself at the time so that I could avoid the people I was regularly hanging out with who were very likely off at a party, indulging in the things that would produce an altered state of mind. I was not coming from a party when the miracle happened. Lastly, whether you believe me or not is your problem at this point, right? I offer you to consider this question: which belief would give you a better outcome today?
What you believe to be true, becomes true for you.
Knowing that, you now have choices...
You could go on with your life as it is, down the metaphorical blue path of DOUBT: this guy's story is a waste of my time, no way any of that really happened, I'm going back to my own way of living.
You could go follow the metaphorical red path of POSSIBILITY: what if a new life is possible for me? Is there really something greater than us guiding us?
So I said to myself, "if that event, which I am calling an absolute miracle, did in fact happen, and was more than a random coincidence, then surely I can draw upon that energy again, right?"
I squirmed and wiggled internally a little bit because if it is not true and the miracle was a figment of my imagination then all of this beyond coincidence jargon is some self-diluted form of coping with the fear of living a life for which I have no control over. But then again, I wouldn't be writing this (and you wouldn't be reading) this if I had not truly experienced an amazing miracle happen before my very eyes.
So I choose "yes, there is a higher form of energy guiding me"and I remind myself to at least try to believe that there is something out there that is with me at all times when I am feeling doubtful.
That moment and decision to ask for guidance and be open to believe it will come from a source that is a higher power than myself or any other human is when something started that had irreversible effects - I started seeing the number 4, 44, and 444 everywhere and it began to happen when I started sincerely and genuinely praying for a sign.
When I say sincerely and genuinely I mean this: I stopped asking for what I thought I wanted (more money, bigger house, a better job, more time, nicer car, etc) and I realized I had been trying to negotiate for stuff as opposed to praying. In other words, it used to be like "Dear God, if you give me this, then I will do that more often and never do that other thing ever again." But now I started asking to be useful to others, for peace of mind, contentment, direction, and purpose. And I ended my prayers with "your will, not mine."
In the scene in the Matrix where Neo visits the Oracle for the first time, she confirms his own inner belief system and when she can sense his self doubt, she then gives him a cookie to help him forget about all this fate crap. He then tries to go back to his normal life, and that's where things get more interesting for him.
I too tried to go on with my normal life, which included an inner ping pong match between the realist and idealist in my head:
"What was I thinking? I need to learn how to appreciate the good job I have. Yeah, I had a traumatic childhood but I need to get over it. I don't need to go publicizing it and making everyone think I'm a whiner and a complainer. Life is what it is, I need to accept that. If I just earn more money and buy bigger and better things I'll be happy then. I can work harder at this."
But it was too late to go back - the signs began to appear...
Let me give a quick backstory to set this up for you. I have always been a fan of the number 4 for some odd reason - it has always been my favorite number, ever since I was a child. Paul Molitor was my favorite baseball player back in the day (Milwaukee Brewers infielder, number 4) and Brett Favre was my favorite football player (Green Bay Packers quarterback, also number 4). When people would ask what my favorite number is, number 4 just came to mind for some reason, not sure really why. When the following coincidences started happening, I thought maybe I was just seeing what I wanted to see, like those psychological blotted ink tests I always heard about.
Then I woke up at couple days in a row at 4:44am...without an alarm being set. You ever try doing that on purpose? I sure didn't, I just woke up wide awake at that time. Why would I wake up right then? Why not 4:43 or 4:45?
On another instance while brushing my teeth I noticed the number 4 seemed to have been scratched in the drain plug in my sink. "Interesting" I told myself because by this time, the number 4 had been showing up more frequently in my daily life. I took a picture of it (sorry for the gross looking image) and by now I was beginning to wonder why I kept seeing this number. Maybe there was more to it than random occurrence?
All within a couple weeks of one another, the signs were becoming too much to ignore. My receipt at a local cafe assigned me # 444
I was having a moment of massive stress at school teaching 30 middle schoolers how to cook when suddenly I looked at the stove clocks (the stove clocks were not accurate due to a power outage the night before) and all 6 ovens in my foods room had this time flashing on them!
My dart score two weeks in a row landed on 444 (those are not the same image). By the way, I am not that good at darts to be able to throw them intentionally enough to land on that exact score in the game 501.
Just the other morning I checked my stocks as soon as the market opened...
To be honest, these images are just the tip of the iceberg! I have been seeing this number appear all over the place!
So what does this all mean? How the hell should I know? Ha ha, just kidding.
I think it means that if you ask for help, or for guidance, or for a sign, then be sure to also do 2 other big things:
1) get out of your own way! (for example, I say "your will, not mine" in my morning meditation)
2) look for the signs and synchronicities, clues, and other things that seem like coincidences.
Then follow the energy and see where it takes you.
The image below is what I came up with after doing a Google search for "what does seeing the number 444 mean?"
Represents divine protection and guidance.
Indicates that your angels are watching over you and helping you on your spiritual journey.
Encourages you to stay connected to your higher self and trust in the universe.
Signifies that a big change is coming in your life.
Associated with stability, practicality, hard work, and determination.
The renowned Psychologist Carl Jung has written a lot about this topic as well, click here to see some of his work.
In closing, if you are on the fence about making a change in your life and you are afraid and ridden with anxiety like I was, all I can do is tell you to ask for guidance from "above" and make the leap. Ultimately, it's your life we're talking about and you have to be responsible for your choice either way. Red path or blue?
Go for it.
Jake Paul
PS: Here are links to my debut book where I discuss my miracle story in the chapter titled PROVIDENCE.
BARNES & NOBLE (it's $1 cheaper here)
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