The excruciating level of anxiety I experienced for years is now gone.
Where did it go?
You didn't cause it. You didn't create it. So why do we keep trying to control it?
Knowing what I now know about trauma, I know that recovering from it and living a happy and peaceful life is totally possible for you. How would I know? Because even though deep down I really didn't think it was possible, I'm actually doing it.
In order to do so, there are certain tenets, rules, or Core Values I live by in order to heal and remain healthy and happy. They are: Acknowledge, Accept & Process, Forgive, Create, Move On, and Help Others. I put them in that order intentionally because that is the order in which I began recovering from my own childhood trauma.
In this blog post, I am going to focus on the second Core Value in my healing journey, ACCEPT & PROCESS.
I recovered from significant childhood trauma and have co-created a life I never thought was possible. For real, on an average day, I am blessed with joy and gratitude and have been ever since I discovered something vital to my recovery: the anxiety was there to tell me something. How do I know this? Because I finally did what it was telling me to do and now it is gone. The anxiety I experienced for years is now gone. It served its purpose and dissipated.
If you don't know me or my story yet, I'd first want you to understand this: I broke out of a negative and harmful cycle I was stuck in, and it is noteworthy to say that it plagued me for a very long time. I believe the cycle I was trapped in was caused by unacknowledged and unaccepted childhood trauma. In other words, I was in denial that past trauma from my childhood was affecting my life as an adult and I was using a lot of my personal resources to try and maintain that denial. I didn't even know I was hiding something.
I was spending a lot of energy trying to convince myself that anxiety was a normal part of life in my family. "Maybe it is just a part of how I was made - that my life is what it is." The thought that I was supposed to simply accept life as is wasn't sitting right with me though. As a matter of fact, it was causing me deep inner despair and fear. I believed deep down inside that there must be a happier way to live. So why couldn't I find it?
I figured I must be doing something wrong and that I just need to work harder to figure out what it is. I became very busy.
That inner despair was causing much restlessness, discontentment, and even more anxiety and I got tired of living with it. Maybe tired is an understatement. I was emotionally exhausted, especially when it came to interacting with people. So I tried to escape from it.
The anxiety was always there though, no matter how productive I was or what I accomplished. 'Kind of felt like a low level electrical current running through my nervous system, and it was causing a consistent discomfort and aggravating my whole existence.
Let me clarify something in regard to timing: I could initially wake up, open my eyes in bed, and not feel the anxiety for a moment. Sometimes, briefly, I felt just fine and relatively OK about the day ahead. But within minutes of thinking about getting out of bed, putting both feet on the ground, and facing the day, the anxiety would begin to slowly intensify. Where was this coming from and how can I shake it?
I tried boxing, mixed martial arts, meditation, weight training, running, exercising, supplements, going to college, going to grad school(s), earning Master's Degrees, attending Churches, studying various religions and religious texts, getting baptized in several different churches, alcohol, countless self-help books, and more. I thought I had tried just about everything there is to try and was beginning to reconsider the idea that I just need to get over it and accept my life as it was. I need to toughen up.
Nope. That wasn't sitting right either.
Side note: I realize there is medication out there to help manage anxiety and I fully support anyone who is taking it.* For some reason, that path was not for me. If you don't finish reading this entire blog post, know this: I now have practically a zero level of anxiety (compared to what used to be anywhere from a 4-5) and I credit that to accepting the fact that I experienced trauma and had not fully processed it yet. Acknowledge + Acceptance = 0 anxiety for me.
*I am not a doctor, I am not claiming to be a medical advisor, and I am not saying to ignore your doctor's advice.
Maybe I just don't have enough stuff yet? Am I supposed to acquire more things, more degrees, more money? Do I have the wrong house? Wrong job? Wrong neighborhood?
Still nope.
So if getting more and doing more isn't working, what would be the opposite of that?
Pausing here for effect...
Still pausing...
Beginning to see it yet?
Is it possible that I am doing too much of something?
Ready for the answer?
YES.
The answer is yes, I was doing something, maintaining something, and holding onto something, and trying to avoid something, all of which has been causing loads and loads of anxiety. How do I know that I found the root cause? Because I gave up the struggle and the anxiety is gone (and has been for almost 2 years).
BIG QUESTION: So what did I give up?
Here comes the process part...
BIG ANSWER: The things that I was using to protect myself from the potential to experience pain.
As a child who was traumatized, something was taken from me - a sense of safety. That sense of safety that healthy parents provide for their children was not present on a consistent enough basis for me and as a result, left some long-lasting wounds. The feeling and fear of being powerless over bad situations are what ultimately kept the trauma alive, so to speak, which is also what lead me to the root cause of the anxiety. But wait! There's more...
Let me put this another way, it wasn't the actual events in my childhood that caused my anxiety that I experienced as an adult, it was the fear of not being in control, or the feeling of being responsible for things that are not in my control, that were hidden under my radar of awareness or consciousness, thereby creating the anxiety.
I used to pride myself on being totally self-aware and extremely hypervigilant, and I even would actually listen in on several conversations all at once. Even though I was was often complimented on those characteristics, inside I was like, "why can't I just chill the hell out and not pay so much attention to everyone and everything around me?"
As one of my all time favorite authors Gary Zukav points out, I had a splintered soul and a splintered personality.
So how do I get better? I had to ask myself some questions...
Did I cause the trauma?
Did I create the trauma?
What am I doing to escape those feelings of anxiety?
Is my way working? (i.e. Do I feel like I am at peace? Do I laugh daily? Do I experience joy and gratitude?)
The QUESTIONS are what started opening up the path for me. It became clearer and clearer that I had to give some things up in order to heal. And the fear of giving those things up was also the same darn thing that would motivate me to glitch out and re-enter the negative cycle all over again. (see # 3 in the line graph below)
In order to take back what was taken from my childhood (a sense of safety and security) and complete this phase of healing, I had to realize a deep truth; I didn't cause the trauma. It wasn't my fault. A child is not responsible for the adults in their life. That realization opened up the next step on my path and I could sense that I was getting closer to the root cause of my anxiety. I saw that I was trying to win a losing battle of changing the past.
That's not all though. Since I am a master of disguise and a human chameleon (in terms of fitting in socially, also a trauma response), part of me would say, "Ok fine, I get it - I didn't cause it. Can we go on now?" But my higher self recognized the defensiveness and emotional charge behind that and nudged me to stay with those feelings (almost making me squirm a bit).
I was then lead to my deepest wound - vulnerability. I was trying to protect myself from being vulnerable. I thought, "Sure, I understand that I can't change the past. But I bet I can control the future, and I will never be hurt like that again, that's for sure."
This is where recovery comes in to play. I "recovered" or found the pain I was hiding. And I did a damn good job hiding it! But when I found it and realized that I didn't cause it (the painful event), I was able to accept it and let it go. And you know what happens when you let something go that you thought you were responsible for?
You feel relief again.
How did I let it go? Ironically and paradoxically, I gave it away. To whom or what? I am not sure, really. But it is no longer something I have to hide, manage, and maintain. I shared my story and now the anxiety is gone. I took the risk of being vulnerable again. I feel safe again and I have forgiven the people who harmed me (which by the way, wasn't their fault either).
You can find other people who have also experienced trauma and you can share your story with them and they will share theirs with you and you can see that you are not alone after all. I am not trying to downplay your trauma, but it was helpful for me when I saw that my story wasn't the exception to the rule that I thought it was. You will also see that it is ok to be vulnerable again. That is a risk you'll have to take at some point in your healing journey.
Acceptance is the answer and the paragraphs I just wrote prior to this one are how I processed (worked through) the story from my past. If you are dealing with anxiety be hopeful. I was told that it runs in our family. It is part of my DNA. That is simply not true and a better life is waiting for you to discover it. (scroll down to learn more about how to do that)
If you are ready, let's turn it towards you now.
If I were to ask you if you really want to break out of a rut or a negative cycle I imagine you would have a quick answer. "Of course I want to! Why would I want to keep living like this?"
I know what worked for me, but I cannot tell you exactly how to break your own negative cycle because that is sacred and unique to you. It is also part of your hero's journey. I can, however, ask you a couple of reflection questions to help you find the energy in order for you to follow the lighted trail, and that will guide you to your next step(s).
Here a couple questions to get you on the right path. First, please let me add the definition of trauma I am basing this off of.
Trauma is defined as a deeply distressing or disturbing experience (noun).
emotional shock following a stressful event or a physical injury that has long lasting effects on the person who experienced the event
Take just a quick second and try to answer this as quickly as possible, without delay.
1) Based on the definition above, did you in fact experience trauma as a child?
2) Did you just admit that you experienced trauma as a child?
If you answered "YES" then you have begun to acknowledge that it did in fact happen. If you are unsure or answered "NO" then you might be in denial about the trauma. I offer those questions as a (simple) tool because sometimes we are deeply enmeshed in denial and are unaware of it, yet we can intuitively feel that something from our past isn't or wasn't right...and we cannot quite put our finger on it.
Let's put it into context. I may have been taught (implicitly or explicitly) by my family or my culture that I didn't really experience trauma and that I overreacted or am being too sensitive or dramatic (see my last post about gaslighting). For example, when I was around 12 years old, an event occured in my house that I was a direct witness to. It happened literally 2 feet from me and I watched the whole thing happen. I was a witness to all of the events and circumstances that led up to the actual traumatic event as well. Although I am not going into detail about what happened, I was terrified (traumatized) about what I saw, heard, and felt. That experience burned an image into my memory that took a long time to process and release. The police came to my house as a result of that event. Years later, as time went on, an authority figure in my family said "Boy the police sure over-reacted to that situation. And that judge was wrong about how he handled the case." I had to speak up at that point and say, "I was there and I saw with my own eyes what happened. You were not there and you didn't see what I saw. We are lucky the police came." One of us was in denial about the whole thing and one of us was not.
The point here circles back to an earlier point; denial might be present in your environment and for many people, that is a safer place for them to be. They may not be ready or able to feel the pain that comes with being open and honest. If I'm being honest, I feel compassion for those in denial more than anything. You'll know you are in the acceptance phase if you also feel a sense of compassion for those people; they are still suffering.
Although I am not claiming to be any psychological or medical professional, allow me to say this: if you are still angry or resentful towards those people, you may have some more work to do before moving on here. Anger and resentment are in opposition to acceptance.
You now have to take action and be on the lookout for your next step. I call it following the energy or as someone else once said, follow the lighted trail.
Even if you do say to yourself that you are serious about this and are going to commit to breaking the cycle, you still have a journey in front of you that often times involves powerful and influential naysayers. And those naysayers might be people you love and who love you, and can unintentionally lure you back into your old rut.
If I had to tell you one thing to do in order to get on the path of healing it would be this: take action now. Don't think too long, don't talk too much, don't wait for the next event to pass so that you can then be ready to start, just do something now. Here we go again though, right? WHAT am I supposed to do right now?
Follow the energy, remember?
I got to a place in my own healing process where I had to give up certain things that provided temporary pleasure and relief. Unfortunately, those things were also causing me (and my family) harm. They were taking energy away from me and keeping me in a low emotional state of being. For example, I gave up alcohol. In order to follow the lighted trail, I saw that I had to put some things down for good. There are many difficult parts in making this choice, some I was aware of prior to making it and some I was not. But don't let that screw you up, you must keep moving on with your journey.
I'm wrapping this article up for now, but feel free to comment or email me if you want clarification, or to debate anything I said here. I am always willing and able to support too. I did my best to explain how I am healing, but I realize that even though things make sense in my head, putting those thoughts down onto a blog post doesn't always translate as clearly as I had intended.
The hero's journey is not any easy path to take, but to say it is worth it is an understatement. I'll say it anyway, IT IS WORTH IT!
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