Everyone I knew commented on how calm, laid-back, and collected I was.
What they didn't know is that I was hiding it.
Do you ever feel like there is an invisible, awkward weight dragging you down, even in moments when everything should be perfect? That was my constant companion—anxiety. It lingered in the undertones of every moment of my life. Oddly enough, I was the only one who could see it and at times when I confessed to others how anxious I felt all the time I would often hear, "well you sure hide it well because you are the most laid-back guy I know." But where was it coming from? What was its source? In this blog post, I'll share my experience and what lead up to it "disappearing"once and for all.
Hot On It's Trail!
The root cause of my anxiety had been cunningly hidden, buried deep beneath layers of my everyday awareness. It was alive, elusive, always on the move, and it took on many appearances, which is why I often thought of myself as a master of disguise. I thought everyone could see it (the anxiety) and its effects on me, so I had to change in order to fit into the environment quickly, which made me feel even more anxious.
It colored my interactions, clouded my thoughts, and created a sense of unease that never quite lifted. It even entered into my sleep, and sometimes I'd wake up in the morning more tired than when I went to sleep at night. I could sense that something was hiding within and I had a hunch that all of this was abnormal, but I never really knew for sure. One day, I used my stubbornness and anger as fuel and decided to embark on a journey of self-discovery, determined to figure it out once and for all.
A Winding Trail Through Time
I started out by running, both physically and mentally. I got busy. I had "stuff" to do all the time and I was constantly running around from one task to the next. I went backward and delved into my past, tracing my steps backward as if I were reverse engineering a treasure map. Then I moved forward, projecting myself into a "desirable future"using visualization techniques, mantras, and other techniques and teachings from A New Earth, Law of Attraction, The Secret, Think and Grow Rich, The Alchemist, Ask and It Is Given, Power Vs Force...and that's just scratching the surface! As I ventured further into the labyrinth of my mind, I experienced* a revelation, which gave me a bit of relief and optimism. I saw a pattern, and that pattern lead me closer to the source.
*Experiences come to me when I'm sitting quietly, usually in the morning, and just breathing. My song "Inhale" is essentially about that - you gotta inhale before you exhale (kind of like the old saying "You have 2 ears and 1 mouth, so you should listen twice as much as you speak!"). When I sit quietly and breath, thoughts come and go. The thoughts that randomly "pop up"and feel like they came from a place of guidance are what I'm referring to as experiences.
The Revelation
When I was masking deep inner pain, words didn't mean much to me. I would read books, listen to experts, and even say things that I was going to do "next time." Low and behold I kept finding myself back in a mental and emotional mess of awkwardness and anxiousness a short period of time afterward. It wasn't until I put my crutches down once and for all that I could see the cycle I was caught in. In my case, the desire to avoid the pain was causing me to scramble for a solution, and when my efforts fell short time and time again, the cycle of anxiety would just start all over.
One day I was able to sit quietly long enough to experience some "natural" relief (i.e a calm state of serenity). That is when some new ideas popped into my head: Maybe the source of this anxiety wasn't coming from some long-forgotten moment from my past? After all, I was well aware of my past, for the most part. I even wrote a book about it.
Maybe I didn't have to solve the big anxiety problem? As a matter of fact, I'm beginning to wonder if this was even my problem to begin with?
Here comes the revelation...
The revelation I noticed was when I discovered a pattern that I saw myself engaged in for many, many years. The pattern I am referencing is that, if I'm being honest, I never was really in search of a solution after all - I was in search of relief. I was always looking for a way to cope with life and the people in it. I was on a quest for control. I only thought I was searching for a solution.
New Questions = New Compass = Change of Direction
After sitting and "just breathing"for a while, I got really calm and a series of questions popped into my head. It was the answers to those questions that lead me on a new course, a different direction, and ultimately to the source of my anxiety.
Question: Where is this anxiety coming from?
Answer: Me, in my brain, my past, my DNA, from my lack of control? I'm not entirely sure...
Question: Who is responsible for my brain, my past, my DNA, my lack of control?
Answer: Most of the time, I'd like to say it is me, but I usually end up convincing myself it is you, them, him, her, the politicians, the doctor, my parents, my kids, my boss, my co-workers, the weather, the sasquatch (lol).
If you are thinking, "Oh, so you are saying that you discovered that you are responsible for living your own life and now the anxiety is gone? Gee thanks for nothing, Einstein!" But that is where I respectfully and humbly disagree. That is not what I am saying.
If I were to say, "Yes, it is me who is responsible for my life and for finding the solution to the anxiety problem in it," then the anxiety starts to creep in again.
But if I say, "it's partially on me, but only a to a very limited extent." The anxiety starts to disappear.
Question: So who, or what, is responsible for alleviating the anxiety then?
Answer: I still don't know for sure, but I do know that everything I've tried up to this point wasn't working.
So if I keep trying to fix something and my tools aren't working, what should I do instead?
Giving Up The Search
Armed with this newfound understanding (or lack of understanding, I guess), I gave up the search. I'm not saying I gave up in general (far from it!). I am saying I transferred the authority of being responsible for solving the anxiety problem to something bigger than me. I surrendered it to something else. I gave the problem away. I shared it with you too. You're welcome!
Here is how it works:
From a simplistic and physical standpoint, 2 people are bigger than 1 person, agreed? In other words, by sharing my story with someone or something else, I gained a new sense of relief and liberation. The search I am referring to is the search for new methods on how to keep it all together, hidden inside behind a fake mask of perfection, as if I am supposed to be totally in charge and in control at all times. That is what my anxiety was at its core, a deep rooted fear that I am supposed to be something that someone else said I was supposed to be. For example, I was supposed to be quiet. I was supposed to not ask for things I really wanted. I was supposed to take a different career path. I was supposed to appear to be more normal.
And the list goes on and on...
Guess what though, the ideal of being "normal" or totally in control is a mirage. Who knows, maybe that ideal is manufactured by the marketing geniuses or the corporate powers that be...(I'm not going there..yet). All I can say is that I no longer have the level of constant, persistent, anxiety that I used to have. And if you have experienced that level of constant angst I am referring to, you know that no one would wish that upon anyone. It was crippling at times.
That is why I am writing this blog; I found a way out. I found relief and it came as a result of sharing my problems with a force bigger than myself. I said "this (anxiety) is no longer mine"and I released it this morning with a breath in and a breath out. And I'll release it again tomorrow morning and any time in between that I feel the need to.
I now get to stop searching and start seeing.
By the way, the sasquatch theme of this blog is the result of discovering sasquatchchronicles.com, check it out sometime, I am a believer!
If you are plagued by anxiety and want to give it up once and for all, I invite you to embark on your own journey of self-discovery. That journey began for me with a question.
Who knows what we can find when we open up our mind?
Thanks for reading and I hope you are doing well!
Remember, when in doubt, follow the energy.
Jake Paul
PS - please pass this blog info, my book info, and my website along to anyone you know who could use a little relief in their life.
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